Lobsters Mate for Life.

It's amazing that time passes so quickly.

This time, instead of apologizing or analyzing my faults or what other people perceive to be my faults, I'm just going to live with them. If other people don't go around apologizing for becoming something different, why must I? And why should we demand that of others? I wonder that now. What does change mean? Is it that you grow more into yourself? Or do you just grow into something that you are more happy with?

I know people who in my opinion have changed dramatically over the past 3 or so years and most of them I find myself wondering "Why?" Why did they change that way? Why is it so difficult now to relate to them? What happened to the kind of friendship that we had before? So many endless questions.

But in the end, it is all useless. Chasing memories that can never be caught.

I read a friend's blog entry today and it really spoke to me. I found myself relating a lot to what he said. I was always more of the quiet person in school, in groups of friends, even through most of college. To be honest, I was afraid of saying things that would make them not like me; I was trying to be careful. Being myself was something that was much more limited to a few people here and there. I can count them on my fingers.

After a while, since I had been doing that for so long, it seemed like if I deviated from that kind of expression, that passivity that I held with certain people, it was a dramatic change. What I saw, what made me believe differently, is that I saw people saying outlandish things that I would never have even dared or thought to say but they were still loved, they were still considered a friend. So, perhaps growing into myself, I started doing the same. Letting the screen fall more, speak my mind more, not just be the wallflower who people just say is nice, gather more of my own personality.

I love that about some of my friends. One of them has been described as "kind of a hater." I love that. [She's not really a hater btw. She's just secure with her statements. ^^] I wish I had that kind of bravo to just be myself and not give a fuck about whatever other people thought. I still haven't reached that point. But I do think that I'm getting closer.

And I guess there are people who just aren't comfortable with that. And that's fine. I do believe I'm just growing more into myself. After years of the biting my tongue, saying the politically acceptable answer, I'm going to display a real personality.

He also mentioned how it's more difficult now to make new friends since everyone is so well established already. I wholeheartedly agree with him. It is. And I've never been bombtastic at making friends in the first place, normally it's find one or two people who I can connect with, and just click with them.

Sometimes I get concerned about how many friends I have. Or even if I have any friends. Or if as the years go on, I keep losing friends. It still is a concern. But now I flip it. There are some people I can't believe I'm still friends with. How long has it been? What does it mean for us to still be friends, be able to talk about everything, to be the one that gets called when tears flow and know that the other one(s) will listen and be everything you need even if you haven't talked in months? It's ridiculous now that I think about it.

Those are the strongest friendships, but also the ones with the most scars. The people I've hurt the most, the people that have hurt me the most, the people that I know will love me unconditionally and that I will love the same.

[It's so weird b/c I wrote a Xanga entry once saying "goodbye" to a friend of mine and saying how she'd be missed and all that, which she probably never read, and she is still my best best friend, there for everything. What the hell happened there?!]

Nostalgia is dangerous. Conveniences like Wall-to-Wall on FB or saved chats are dangerous. Makes you do stupid things. Makes you want things that are impossible. Time can heal anger, hurt, but time can also make it too late.

I miss you and the friendship that we used to have.

But we've both changed, whether we admit it or not. And one way or another, we couldn't keep up with the changes.

I wrote this while I should have been studying Histo. OHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh well.

Bums

I wonder a lot about bums. Well not a lot, but some.

I recently got approached by this woman on campus while I was walking home. She was really nice and all like "I'm very respectful, I always appreciate whatever you can give me, I'm not dangerous, etc. etc." And the thing was, I've been approached by her before!! And the first time, I think I gave her a dollar or something. And that was during the winter. SAME WOMAN! And this time after seeing her, I think she got her hair highlighted or dyed or something...

Which brings me to the wondering. Are they ALL LIARS?! I bet some of them aren't, but the ones that are always standing outside Walgreens or the ones that walk around campus asking for money. Are they really really poor or what. Because dying your hair or getting highlights costs A LOT of money. Doesn't it? Or ok. Say she bought a kit. Why the hell would you be buying a kit to highlight your hair if you're really THAT poor and need to ask people you don't know for money? Use that money on food or something useful! Money for a card on the el or bus money to go to a job interview or something!

Also...how come all the bums I see are always (99%) of one certain ethnicity? There are so many other races and whatnot in Chicago. But none of them are bumming around asking for money! Why is that? Because everyone else will go out there and get a job no matter what kind of job it is just to earn money? Are those kinds of jobs too "low" for that certain race? Ok I'll just say it. Black people. I don't get that.

Question to everyone. As in the one person. MAYBE that reads this.

If you were in that position where you were jobless, would you take on ANY job even if it was realllly ridiculous or degrading (but not prostitution or something like that) would you do that OR go around begging people for money on college campuses and at intersections of busy streets?

Half the time I feel bad for them and give them money, other times, I wonder why they aren't trying harder.

I KNOW, I KNOW that there are people who are veterans and don't get proper treatment and there are a lot of people who fall through the cracks in the government and whatnot, but you know, how is it only black people. Or mostly black people? WHY!? I honestly wonder.

My bro's friend just informed me that some guy pretended to be a bum for a while and then wrote an article about it. Apparently you can make a lot of money that way. Although obviously it's not very stable. One day you can make $1000 one day you can make $1. BUT! If you average it out, this guy, I should look this up, for a year you can make $100k. SERIOUSLY?!

IS THIS WHY THEY'RE BUMS?!

Once in a while.

Once in a while, I feel the need to write something down. Just something cathartic to do.

I doubt anyone will read this. Chances are, no one even knows this blog exists. Except for one person probably. And I suppose you can say this post is for you. Not only you, but yes, you are included.

I took the time today, while procrastinating in the library, to sift through some old gchat conversations that gmail has automatically saved for me. And then, thinking to the present and how things are now, between me and oh say...everyone that knew me earlier, I have come to the conclusion, that yes, things probably are quite different.

Honestly, I can't put my finger on it. Any when, how, whys. I think it would overly easy for me to just put the blame completely on medical school. "It has changed me for the worse!" It probably has. But of course, a THING cannot be the blame for something. It has to be my reaction TO it.

Or rather, lack of positive reaction.

Read the post below, and that is just blatantly obvious.

Coming to the complete end of M1 year now, and looking back, things were bad. OHHH they were bad. But I will just keep trucking along...

Coming face to face with failure (not utter and complete, but failure enough respective to my previous bar that I used to judge myself with) has, I believe, turned me into a bitter bitter person with a lack of desire to please most people. Which is terrible, because this has probably affected the people that I knew best before this all happened.

Instead of seeing it as an "AHA!" moment where I decide to try harder and beat everything, I turned inwards and wallowed in a hole of self pity. I can just picture myself now. Emanating waves and waves of negative black gray smoky aura. It's like in those animes or mangas where the person walks around with what looks like stink lines around them and there are these vertical lines on their face (anyone know what I'm referring to here?).

From that hole, the view of the world is quite drab. And of course, since you are all not in this hole with me, it seemed as if everything you did, on the outside was like throwing stones into the hole. NOT what it was, I am sure. Just, you know. Waves of negative aura does happen to change perception. It's a complete package.

Cause: throw stones
Effect: get mad, thus defensive

Cause: hole
Effect: world v. me

I think.

Ah. Even at this moment, I am contemplating placing a pause on this entry and listening to Dr. Lieska in a video about the upper limb and hopefully get that hour done before the library closes. OR...keep on writing, since this is, as I mentioned in the first line, therapeutic.

But alas. School wins. Again.

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Home now.

But now I lost my train of thought.

Anyways. That is the general scheme of things that was running through my mind.

In any case, it has to do with me apologizing for becoming an awful human being, as no one really seems to like the me that I am now and would probably rather opt for the me of last year.

Cheers!