Lobsters Mate for Life.

It's amazing that time passes so quickly.

This time, instead of apologizing or analyzing my faults or what other people perceive to be my faults, I'm just going to live with them. If other people don't go around apologizing for becoming something different, why must I? And why should we demand that of others? I wonder that now. What does change mean? Is it that you grow more into yourself? Or do you just grow into something that you are more happy with?

I know people who in my opinion have changed dramatically over the past 3 or so years and most of them I find myself wondering "Why?" Why did they change that way? Why is it so difficult now to relate to them? What happened to the kind of friendship that we had before? So many endless questions.

But in the end, it is all useless. Chasing memories that can never be caught.

I read a friend's blog entry today and it really spoke to me. I found myself relating a lot to what he said. I was always more of the quiet person in school, in groups of friends, even through most of college. To be honest, I was afraid of saying things that would make them not like me; I was trying to be careful. Being myself was something that was much more limited to a few people here and there. I can count them on my fingers.

After a while, since I had been doing that for so long, it seemed like if I deviated from that kind of expression, that passivity that I held with certain people, it was a dramatic change. What I saw, what made me believe differently, is that I saw people saying outlandish things that I would never have even dared or thought to say but they were still loved, they were still considered a friend. So, perhaps growing into myself, I started doing the same. Letting the screen fall more, speak my mind more, not just be the wallflower who people just say is nice, gather more of my own personality.

I love that about some of my friends. One of them has been described as "kind of a hater." I love that. [She's not really a hater btw. She's just secure with her statements. ^^] I wish I had that kind of bravo to just be myself and not give a fuck about whatever other people thought. I still haven't reached that point. But I do think that I'm getting closer.

And I guess there are people who just aren't comfortable with that. And that's fine. I do believe I'm just growing more into myself. After years of the biting my tongue, saying the politically acceptable answer, I'm going to display a real personality.

He also mentioned how it's more difficult now to make new friends since everyone is so well established already. I wholeheartedly agree with him. It is. And I've never been bombtastic at making friends in the first place, normally it's find one or two people who I can connect with, and just click with them.

Sometimes I get concerned about how many friends I have. Or even if I have any friends. Or if as the years go on, I keep losing friends. It still is a concern. But now I flip it. There are some people I can't believe I'm still friends with. How long has it been? What does it mean for us to still be friends, be able to talk about everything, to be the one that gets called when tears flow and know that the other one(s) will listen and be everything you need even if you haven't talked in months? It's ridiculous now that I think about it.

Those are the strongest friendships, but also the ones with the most scars. The people I've hurt the most, the people that have hurt me the most, the people that I know will love me unconditionally and that I will love the same.

[It's so weird b/c I wrote a Xanga entry once saying "goodbye" to a friend of mine and saying how she'd be missed and all that, which she probably never read, and she is still my best best friend, there for everything. What the hell happened there?!]

Nostalgia is dangerous. Conveniences like Wall-to-Wall on FB or saved chats are dangerous. Makes you do stupid things. Makes you want things that are impossible. Time can heal anger, hurt, but time can also make it too late.

I miss you and the friendship that we used to have.

But we've both changed, whether we admit it or not. And one way or another, we couldn't keep up with the changes.

I wrote this while I should have been studying Histo. OHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh well.