Once in a while.

Once in a while, I feel the need to write something down. Just something cathartic to do.

I doubt anyone will read this. Chances are, no one even knows this blog exists. Except for one person probably. And I suppose you can say this post is for you. Not only you, but yes, you are included.

I took the time today, while procrastinating in the library, to sift through some old gchat conversations that gmail has automatically saved for me. And then, thinking to the present and how things are now, between me and oh say...everyone that knew me earlier, I have come to the conclusion, that yes, things probably are quite different.

Honestly, I can't put my finger on it. Any when, how, whys. I think it would overly easy for me to just put the blame completely on medical school. "It has changed me for the worse!" It probably has. But of course, a THING cannot be the blame for something. It has to be my reaction TO it.

Or rather, lack of positive reaction.

Read the post below, and that is just blatantly obvious.

Coming to the complete end of M1 year now, and looking back, things were bad. OHHH they were bad. But I will just keep trucking along...

Coming face to face with failure (not utter and complete, but failure enough respective to my previous bar that I used to judge myself with) has, I believe, turned me into a bitter bitter person with a lack of desire to please most people. Which is terrible, because this has probably affected the people that I knew best before this all happened.

Instead of seeing it as an "AHA!" moment where I decide to try harder and beat everything, I turned inwards and wallowed in a hole of self pity. I can just picture myself now. Emanating waves and waves of negative black gray smoky aura. It's like in those animes or mangas where the person walks around with what looks like stink lines around them and there are these vertical lines on their face (anyone know what I'm referring to here?).

From that hole, the view of the world is quite drab. And of course, since you are all not in this hole with me, it seemed as if everything you did, on the outside was like throwing stones into the hole. NOT what it was, I am sure. Just, you know. Waves of negative aura does happen to change perception. It's a complete package.

Cause: throw stones
Effect: get mad, thus defensive

Cause: hole
Effect: world v. me

I think.

Ah. Even at this moment, I am contemplating placing a pause on this entry and listening to Dr. Lieska in a video about the upper limb and hopefully get that hour done before the library closes. OR...keep on writing, since this is, as I mentioned in the first line, therapeutic.

But alas. School wins. Again.

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Home now.

But now I lost my train of thought.

Anyways. That is the general scheme of things that was running through my mind.

In any case, it has to do with me apologizing for becoming an awful human being, as no one really seems to like the me that I am now and would probably rather opt for the me of last year.

Cheers!